Doomsday is coming, friends.
Gemma: So, Escandalo?
G: Somehow, the bomb is disappointing me. I wanted the climax to be more complex than this.
R: The universe of the show is disappointing me. Though I did note that this is a way to end the fizzling story arc they have for Kate Burton. You’ll be disappointed if she doesn’t flame out in public.
Cyrus Beene: sometimes the personification of evil.
G: Yeah. I had about 30 seconds of appreciating Evil Mercenary Cyrus, and then realized how much better it would be if they actually did the work of placing that beside his grief. But they’re not doing that.
Money makes my world go round.
R: Is all Olivia’s Momma interested in really just the money? Really? That’s a boring motivation if it doesn’t have layers. Money for what?
G: They are definitely implying that there’s more. But I’m afraid your wish isn’t gonna come true.
R: Which wish of my many are you thinking of?
G: The one about Momma being the Assata Shakur mold.
R: Damn, yeah. Here I play a dirge for the possibility of an Adnan-Momma Liberation Front. …
R: Well, let me say that my hopes may have been irretrievably crushed today when I read @shondarhimes twitter feed on the ABC site: She was fan-gushing about how she will never EVER get tired of Clinton (mister) doing the late night TV rounds. That suddenly made Fitz make a whole lot more sense to me.
G: Ooh. Yes. Yes, it does.
R: She has a weakness for marginally handsome charismatic philandering presidents. And really, we should all have been tired of Clinton by NAFTA, if not before.
G: I have always thought T. Goldwyn genuinely handsome, but agreed on the rest. (I thought that long before Scandal, when he was evil psychiatrist on Dexter and evil judge on TGW.)
Perhaps he ain’t what he used to be.
R: I would have said so at the beginning of the show. He just looks pained all the time. Maybe the fake presidency is aging him.
G: Yeah, it’s a lot of repetition. I just can’t see next week going anywhere I care about, honestly.
R: Cyrus is going to blow up the church, right? Unless Harrison defuses the bomb! Or Jake parachutes in to skyrocket the bomb into the ionosphere! How boring is a villain who doesn’t love anybody and only cares about money?
G: Done to death. I may have said this before, but I think uninteresting villains are the scourge of 21st century arts. Everyone’s a sociopath.
R: I agree. This is why I <3 Snape forevah.
G: YES TO SNAPE. If Snape were bombing a building, I would care why!
G: He would have reasons!
R: More than ONE! CONFLICTING REASONS for doing the same thing!
G: YES! HOLY SH*T SHONDA HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF THAT?
R: He would be compelling. Although, I do have to give love to the Shondaland rollercoaster: Grey’s Anatomy two weeks ago was brilliant.
G: Oh, hey, we’re not gonna lose Poppa Pope, are we? Joe Morton is too good.
Don’t leave us, Joe. We love you too much.
R: I would really have sads if Joe Morton goes.
G: So would I. He’s so good at acting.
R: I might not even be able to watch the show anymore. He feels like the emotional core to me right now? Is that right?
G: Yes. He manages to have different motivations for the same thing.
R: Poor Mellie. Poor foolish little Jerry. Dude, you are the president’s son. Your choices do not mean the same thing as other people’s choices. You are not this naive, not after how angry you are at your parents. And dude, dump that girl. She is not your friend.
Jerry … Jerry, I’m ready.
G: Oh yeah. Reminiscent of Becca on TGW, that whole bit.
R: You’re right! ZOMG, they could have cast the same actress.
G: Except that actress is like 30 years old. She was too old for it then.
R: And dude, if anyone has a reasonable expectation to be drunk 24-7 on this show, it is Mels.
All the time.
G: This is true.
R: I wish she and Olivia could actually join forces. Their relationship was interesting to me from the first couple of episodes.
G: Yeah. They have moments, but then it always circles around to the same thing.
R: They both need to break up with Tony Goldwyn and co-parent all their young and grown adult child-employees. Mellie should join Pope and Associates. If she got a bit more discipline…
G: Also, Huck and Quinn.
R: ZOMG. We are not going to talk about Huck and Quinn.
R: I can’t even do my mental trick of flipping the roles. The love triangle that NOBODY CARES ABOUT. The love bendy-straw with a hole in it.. I cannot even drink my chocolate soymilk through this plot!
G: Right?!?! I wanted pre-B613 Huck’s wife to come back.
R: #JasikaNicole. Twitter, make it happen. Maybe Quinn could fall on that bomb?
G: I would like that. But somehow, everyone who works on this show is under the impression that Lowes is an interesting actor. Not sure where that came from.
R: I feel bad trashtalking a character that’s acted by another human being, so please, Katie Lowes: I hope you have a wonderful life. Please join me in laying this character to rest. I feel like Quinn is the character who reads Jezebel.
R: I think that demo likes her. Or not?
G: I think a lot of them have shipped Quinn/Huck for a long time. That was my general impression.
R: I avoid the Scandal open threads on Jez.
G: But wow, Quinn and Huck have trouble using their tongues.
R: I put my hands over the screen and yelled at my computer until it was over. Refused to let the bad thoughts in.
G: It did not look very different from the face-licking scene. I think Quinn is drawing false dichotomies.
R: I wish I cared. When you don’t even care that someone is so wrong…that is when you stop watching a show.
G: Also don’t care about Abby. Or David. So I really, really hope Poppa Pope doesn’t die.
R: Will they kill David so that Abby can hook up with Leo Bergen? I kind of like him. Not Like. What’s the word? Relish his stink.
G: I think if they were gonna kill David, they woulda by now.
R: I like Malina, but the character feels forced. Maybe they’ll break up and then he’ll get a better plotline than: I do ish because my gf shook her shiny head of hair at me.
G: Yeah, that’s exactly how I feel. Maybe I should ship Huck with Leo Bergen or something. I just want the interesting characters to be interesting together.
R: Ooo, let’s play the dating game with Scandal. Who should we ship with whom?
G: Honestly, I was just considering the fact that I would not mind a predominantly male orgy.
R: Not likely on this show.
G: I know. Fine. Dating game.
R: I miss Clare! In the absence of Adnan having a spine or Kalinda’s boots, I’d ship Harrison with Clare’s astral projection returned from the beyond.
G: Oh, yeah! That woulda been awesome. And that actress is GORGEOUS.
R.: Momma and Papa Pope. 4Eva.
G: Leo Bergen with the Lisa Kudrow character. I miss her too.
R: YES! That would be brilliant. He should have run her campaign.
G: Mmmm, yes. We need a better man for Cyrus.
R: Fitz. His true love, let’s be serious.
G: Yes. That would work.
R: And Fitz is so tender with him. It’s the younger man Cyrus deserves.
G: Indeed. I’ll take it. And I’d be comfortable with Mellie and Andrew running off into the sunset together.
R: Yes, let the kids be happy. Though what was Andrew doing with Sally?!?! Is he jumping tickets???
G: Well, not if they all get blown up.
R: Will they get blown up? Is that what Poppa Pope (I love it when Harrison asks him if he can call him that, a nod to the fans) takes a hit for? Is he Iron Man? That he destroys a bomb with his own hands and bionic heart??
G: Ooh, that is possible, isn’t it? I just don’t get where they can go with Momma Pope from here that will be interesting. Also, when did she become Maya Pope? She was Maya Lewis before we knew she was an evil criminal mastermind, and Maya-Lewis-or-Marie-Wallace after, and it always makes me really, really happy when a TV show doesn’t have a woman take the man’s name. But they refer to her as Maya Pope like all the time now.
R: Just like Quinn is trying to make OPA happen? Girl, please.
R: I have appreciated the ambiguity with which the show refers to Eli/Rowan/Dad Pope, with different characters calling him different names consistently. And everyone knows who we’re talking about. Olivia’s Momma deserves the same. Also, I might need to watch Funky Dineva to find a way through all this. Someone give me a light to walk towards…
G: Any final thoughts on what we predict for the finale?
G: Yeah. Got that far.
R: Kate Burton Out. Joe Morton stays. Andrew stays but is wounded. Mellie rushes to his side. That’s what sobers her up.
G: Yes, I would buy that. Some strange intense scene ‘twixt Liv and Momma.
R: I’m down for that. I would be down for another family dinner table conversation.
G: Around Poppa’s hospital bed.
R: Hmm! Yes. Yes indeed. That would do very nicely. Jake and Fitz mud wrestle.
G: For Olivia’s affections. That’d be great.
R: All his best friends sleep with his ladies. Dude needs better dudes. But you know what they say: to get a better dude, be a better dude.
G: They do say that, it’s true.
R: Harrison! What happens? This season held so much promise for him.
G: Well, somehow Adnan goes down. Maybe he does some small amount of day-saving.
R: Does she really die in his arms? I can see it now and it is not original.
G: You are probably correct. But she gives him the key to rescue Liv from Momma somehow?
R: Alright, alright, magic lady-betrayer friend. Ugh. How has our review of this show become about imagining future or parallel worlds?
G: What are our other choices?
R: I have sads. I need to go watch Dineva now.
G: Do it.